Courtesy Bias: How Being “Too Polite” Can Harm Your Relationships

The Truth Hurts—But So Does Silence

We’ve all been there—nodding politely at a friend’s questionable outfit choice or agreeing with a colleague’s idea even though you know it’s not the best. This tendency to avoid conflict and protect others’ feelings is a common psychological phenomenon called courtesy bias. While it may seem harmless, courtesy bias can actually damage relationships over time, leading to misunderstandings and even resentment.

What is Courtesy Bias?

Courtesy bias arises when we prioritise maintaining harmony and avoiding confrontation over expressing our true thoughts and feelings. It’s a defence mechanism we use to navigate social situations without upsetting others. While this can help maintain short-term peace, over time, it can erode the authenticity of our relationships, as we sacrifice honesty for politeness.

Courtesy bias manifests in many forms, from everyday social interactions to professional settings. Here are a few common examples:

• Friends: Ever tell a friend that you love their new haircut even when you’re not a fan? This is a classic example of courtesy bias in friendships, where we hold back our true opinions to avoid hurting someone we care about.
• Work and Group Projects: At work, courtesy bias might show up when you pretend to support a strategy or idea just to avoid confrontation. This can be especially common in group projects, where conflict can be seen as disruptive.
• Acquaintances: You may find yourself pretending to enjoy activities or foods that you’re not actually fond of, just to fit in with a new group of people. Though this can help you blend in initially, it can also prevent you from forming genuine connections.

The Dangers of Courtesy Bias

Whilst being polite and avoiding conflict feels like the “right” thing to do in the moment, it can have negative long-term effects on your relationships. When you withhold honest feedback or suppress your true feelings, you create a gap between who you are and how you’re perceived. This lack of authenticity can lead to frustration and resentment, especially if the pattern continues over time.

People who prioritise harmony over compassionately shared truth end up feeling isolated, uncomfortable in their own skin and powerless up to the point of feeling depressed.

For example, in friendships, constantly agreeing or offering fake praise can lead to shallow interactions where neither party feels truly understood. In professional settings, courtesy bias can result in poor decision-making, as people fail to share valuable insights that could improve outcomes. Ultimately, by prioritising harmony over honesty, you may unintentionally undermine the very relationships you’re trying to protect.

Overcoming Courtesy Bias

To build more authentic and meaningful connections, it’s important to recognise when courtesy bias is at play. Here are some practical steps to help you overcome it:

Become Aware of When It Happens: Start by noticing when you’re holding back your true thoughts to avoid discomfort. Understanding the situations in which you tend to fall into courtesy bias is the first step in overcoming it.

Understand that your opinion can be shared compassionately. Not all truth has to be ‘tough love’. You can say something a person doesn’t want to hear in a loving and kind way. Sometimes sandwiching the unwanted truth in positive remarks can lessen the blow.

Practice Assertiveness: Learning to express your thoughts and feelings honestly, but respectfully, is key to overcoming courtesy bias. Assertiveness allows you to share your opinions in a way that honours both your perspective and the other person’s feelings. You can start small by offering honest but gentle feedback, like “I think this idea could work better if we tried XYZ.”

Set Boundaries: It’s okay to set boundaries in relationships where courtesy bias is frequent. This means being clear about your needs and expectations, and communicating them openly.

Give Honest Feedback When Asked: If someone directly asks for your opinion, it’s important to offer an honest response. While it may feel awkward, providing constructive feedback can help build trust and respect in the long term.

Building Healthier, Honest Relationships

Overcoming courtesy bias is not about being brutally honest or disregarding others’ feelings. Instead, it’s about finding a balance where you can be both polite and truthful. By learning to communicate more authentically, you can strengthen your relationships and create deeper, more meaningful connections.

In the end, true understanding and mutual respect are the foundations of strong relationships, and they can only be built on a foundation of genuine communication.