Understanding Emotional Bids
The Key to Building Stronger Relationships
What if I told you there was a way to predict if you would still be together with your partner in the next 3-6 years with an 85% accuracy?! There is, and the way they do it is by watching people in relationships react to what is called Emotional Bids.
In the journey to create and maintain meaningful relationships, one of the most essential and often overlooked tools is the concept of emotional bids. An emotional bid is any action or statement that seeks to connect with another person on an emotional level. Whether it’s a question, a smile, or a casual comment or a light touch, an emotional bid signals a desire for attention, affection, or support. For young adults, understanding and responding to these bids will significantly strengthen friendships, family ties, and romantic relationships.
What Are Emotional Bids?
At their core, emotional bids are the small, everyday ways we say, “I’m here, and I want to connect with you.” These bids can take many forms and don’t always involve grand gestures or deep conversations. Sometimes, they’re as simple as:
- Seeking attention: Asking for help, cracking a joke, or sharing a story.
- Expressing affection: Complimenting someone, offering a hug, or sharing kind words.
- Sharing feelings: Talking about your day, expressing concerns, or discussing emotions.
- Looking for support: Seeking advice, asking for reassurance, or requesting assistance.
- Touching. Seeking physical attention by brushing up against, holding out a hand or trying to hug
These moments are opportunities for emotional connection, and the way we respond to them plays a significant role in the health of our relationships.
The Three Ways to Respond to Emotional Bids
Understanding emotional bids is only part of the equation; responding to them effectively is where the real impact lies. According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, there are three main ways people respond to emotional bids:
- Turning Toward: This is the healthiest and most positive way to respond. It involves showing genuine interest, engagement, and care for the other person. Turning toward emotional bids demonstrates that you value the relationship and are present and supportive. For example, if a friend says, “I had a rough day,” turning toward them might involve asking them about it or offering comfort. This positive response helps build trust and intimacy. You don’t have to drop everything to react towards a bid, but acknowledging the bid is almost as good as responding positively towards it.
- Turning Away: Ignoring the bid or changing the subject is a way of turning away. This response can make the other person feel dismissed or unimportant. In the example of a friend having a rough day, turning away might look like shrugging off their comment or talking about your own day instead.
- Turning Against: Responding negatively or critically is known as turning against. This reaction often leads to conflict or hurt feelings. If you were to criticise or belittle your friend’s feelings, it would likely create distance rather than connection.
Why Responding to Emotional Bids Matters
Responding positively to emotional bids is one of the simplest yet most powerful ways to nurture relationships. When someone makes an emotional bid, they are being vulnerable and expressing a need for connection. By turning toward that bid, you are essentially saying, “I see you, and I care.” Over time, these small moments of connection add up, creating a strong emotional foundation in your relationships.
In contrast, consistently turning away or turning against emotional bids can create distance, misunderstandings, and emotional disconnect. In romantic relationships, for example, couples who frequently turn toward each other’s emotional bids report greater happiness and relationship satisfaction.
How to Get Better at Responding to Emotional Bids
Recognizing and responding to emotional bids takes practice, especially if you’re not used to paying attention to these small cues. Here are some ways to improve your emotional responsiveness:
- Be present: In today’s world of constant distractions, it’s easy to miss emotional bids. Make a conscious effort to be fully present in your interactions, whether it’s with a friend, family member, or partner.
- Listen actively: Listening is more than just hearing words. Pay attention to both what is said and what is unsaid. If someone seems upset but hasn’t expressed it outright, a simple, “Are you okay?” can go a long way in acknowledging their emotional state.
- Practice empathy: Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Responding with empathy helps strengthen emotional bonds and fosters a sense of understanding.
- Communicate your own bids: Relationships are a two-way street. Don’t be afraid to express your needs and seek connection from others as well.
Nurturing Lasting Relationships
Emotional bids are the building blocks of strong, meaningful relationships. By turning toward these bids and responding with care and empathy, you create an emotional connection that can significantly enhance your personal relationships. Whether it’s with friends, family, or romantic partners, learning to recognise and respond to emotional bids is essential for creating trust, mutual respect, and emotional intimacy.
