Understanding Must and Ought Statements

Recognising and Overcoming Judgmental Thinking

Do you ever wake up in the morning with a heavy mental checklist of how you must live your life—what you ought to have done yesterday, and where you should be by now. You’re not the only one. Now, imagine the relief of setting that burden down and realising you don’t have to be perfect. It’s not as far away as you think…

What Are Must and Ought Statements

“Must,” “ought,” and “should” beliefs and statements are cognitive distortions that make you view situations rigidly and judgmentally. Instead of accepting reality as it is, these statements reflect an unrealistic standard of how you believe things should be. This mindset leaves little room for flexibility or self-compassion, leading to unnecessary pressure and negative emotional consequences.

For example:

• “I should be the best in my class. If I’m not, then I’m a failure” vs.
• “I would like to be the best in my class, but if I’m not, I can still work towards improving.”

These rigid beliefs often cause emotional distress because they set unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others. They create a cycle of self-criticism, guilt, frustration, and sometimes even anger.

The Consequences of Must and Ought Thinking

Negative Emotional Impact

Should, ought, and must beliefs can trigger a range of negative emotions, such as:

• Anxiety: You constantly feel like you’re not meeting expectations.
• Guilt: You feel bad about not living up to these self-imposed rules.
• Anger or Irritability: When others fail to meet your standards, you become frustrated.

Unrealistic Expectations of Yourself and Others

When you impose “should” statements on yourself or others, you are often creating a world where imperfection is unacceptable. This prevents you from embracing authenticity and personal growth, both for yourself and those around you.

Judging a Friend’s Actions

You’re having brunch with friends and one of them shares that they texted their ex and stayed over. Shocked, you respond:
“You shouldn’t have done that. You always do this and it never ends well for you.”

While you may mean well, your friend feels judged and guilty. This could prevent them from opening up to you again in the future. Your well-intended criticism, packaged in “should” language, feels unsupportive and harsh.

Self-Criticism for Falling Short

You’re striving to be the best student in your Economics class but someone else consistently ranks higher. Rather than acknowledging your hard work, you berate yourself:
“I should be first. If I’m not, I’m not good enough.”

This all-or-nothing thinking creates internal pressure chips away at your self-esteem and generates anxiety. Instead of celebrating your achievements, you become overwhelmed by feelings of failure.

Overcoming Must and Ought Thinking

To manage these cognitive distortions, it’s essential to recognise and challenge the rigid thinking behind these statements. 

Identify Your “Should” Beliefs:
Recognise when you’re thinking or speaking in terms of “must,” “ought,” or “should.” Once you’ve identified these thoughts, you’re in a better position to challenge and change them.

Challenge the Evidence:
Are there facts supporting your “should” rules, or are they based on assumptions? For instance, if you believe you should always be successful, is there any evidence that people are successful all the time?

Consider Different Perspectives:
Do others share your “should” rules? What do you think of people who don’t? This can help you see how subjective your standards are and that they may not be 

Practice Mindfulness:
Be mindful of your thoughts without judgement. Focus on being present and accepting reality as it is, rather than imposing rigid expectations.

Forgive Yourself and Others:
Instead of holding onto critical judgments, practice forgiveness. Acknowledge mistakes, but move forward with understanding rather than blame.

The Benefits of Letting Go of “Must” and “Ought”

By shifting away from rigid, judgmental thinking, you open yourself up to more positive and compassionate ways of relating to yourself and others. Replacing “must” and “ought” statements with more flexible, preference-based language helps you:

• Reduce Anxiety: Letting go of unrealistic expectations alleviates self-imposed pressure.
• Improve Relationships: You become less judgmental and more supportive of others.
• Boost Self-Compassion: By reframing your thoughts, you allow yourself to make mistakes without labelling yourself a failure.
• Enhance Personal Growth: With less pressure to be perfect, you can focus on growth, learning, and enjoying the process.

Conclusion: Embrace Flexibility and Self-Compassion

Rigid “must” and “ought” beliefs can trap you in a cycle of judgement, anxiety, and self-criticism. By practising mindfulness, challenging cognitive distortions and replacing harsh rules with flexible preferences, you can experience greater emotional freedom and improve your relationships with both yourself and others.